The crossroads

It turns out my previous post about a sense of impending doom could not have been closer to the truth. Shortly after writing that my mental health plummeted. As usual however you may not have noticed on the outside as I continued to work. However, as soon as I finished work, I was exhausted and generally just going into a kind of standby mode until the next day. That was not sustainable as last Friday from the date of posting this (the 1st I believe) I almost took the ultimate step. I set everything up as I had been planning for a long time and then, for whatever reason tested it with something heavy and it failed. I then sank to the floor and cried for what seemed like hours but was not that long in reality. That was my darkest moment and while sitting there I really couldn’t see a way to get away from the pain.

To my shame, I kept this to myself until Sunday when I finally admitted it and broke down to my wife. She really doesn’t deserve someone like me and at the time I really believed that she and everyone else would be better off without me.

We talked for ages and eventually we decided I really needed to get some help. That meant going back to the doctors the following day and ultimately going back on medication. So, the next day my wife called the doctors and managed to get an appointment the same day which in itself was a miracle. I was fully expecting to have to wait for at least a couple of weeks.

Once we got to the appointment, I could feel myself beginning to struggle. My anxiety started to rise, and I was constantly on the edge of tears. As is tradition the time of the appointment came and went, and we were still stuck in the waiting room. I had to fight with all I had to stay there and not walk out. The walls felt like they were closing in with every minute that passed. I felt so worthless. More than that I felt like I had no fight left in me.

When we finally got called in, I mostly just sat there unable to speak as my wife explained everything. It was all I could do to hold back the tears as she talked to the doctor. Weirdly some of what was being said seemed like it was being said about another person and not me. I realised then I had become so detached from myself that sometimes I did not even know what I was thinking or doing. I was on autopilot, but it turns out autopilot could only get you so far and now I was freefalling.

All of this is a long way round of explaining that even though I didn’t want to I was back to medication. I had been prescribed many different antidepressants over the years and one way or another they always seemed to either not work or work and have really bad side effects. So, I ended up on a different medication – Mirtazapine. I believe it is not an SSRI, but it too (as most medication) has some side effects. However, by this point I resolved myself to the fact that the side effects, if they all showed up, were better than the alternative which in itself was a big step forward for me.

I am now on the 5th day in from taking them and so far, they seem to be taking the edge off. However, I have been extremely tired, and all my energy is gone as soon as I finish work. That side effect is one of the most common but hopefully it won’t persist. Sadly, although I am feeling pretty tired to the point where I could almost sleep standing up, I still don’t sleep all the way through the night without waking up multiple times. I cannot remember what it is like to sleep right through without waking.

So, that is where I am. I’m still here and I feel like I am no longer hanging on by a thread but still nowhere near well. It may sound weird but even with all of what I have written going on my mind, I never truly accepted how bad things actually were. So, at least recognising how broken I am and that I need help to stay around, is a good first step. I needed to accept that and admit it to myself. I’m broken and I may never be fixed but at least I can go on.

Not the most optimistic of endings I know but I see this as a start down the road to healing. At least as much as is possible. The other road, hopefully, will become less and less visible to me and become overgrown and inaccessible.

That is the hope.