It is that time of the year where the resolutions come out. Yes, it is cliche, but I think I need to use this as a fresh start for me. It is just seems right to my brain. Although I do not have a definitive list in mind I do have a somewhat list of objectives for the year in my mind. As seems to be recurring theme for me, the Christmas period brings me down mentally. I cannot put my finger on any one reason for this though. Let’s just say it is a combination of things from my past and my current mental health problems.
I am not looking to throw any blame around to others for my current mental health state but having said that, my past experiences have obviously shaped how I am now. I can’t change the past and I can’t forget it for the most part no matter how hard I try but I can move on. There may be setbacks along the way, but I must believe I can make it.
All of this is just a long way round to me saying I need to draw a line in the sand and make some meaningful changes to my life and outlook for the future. If not for me, for the people I love around me. I swing from low to high and back again so fast sometimes it makes my head spin. Then people caught in the crossfire. My wife sees that and gets a hard time from me occasionally for no reason other than my mind has decided to flip into low and angry mode. Then, a few hours or sometimes the next day, my brain switches back to what I consider to be myself again. I need to stop this somehow and if that means different medication and more therapy sessions I will do it. It is not fair on others and not how I want to be.
To my wife and anyone I have gotten “cold” on or angry at for no reason that they can see. Please know it is not personal. It is just that on certain days I lose myself. If there is anyone out there who feels aggrieved by me, please reach out and let me know. If you want to that is. I cannot justify how I am sometimes but please know I am trying to fight it. Sometimes I lose. I have lost to it many times over the last few weeks and I want to turn the tide.
I hate myself for getting like this.
I didn’t expect this post to get so into a little bit of a ramble but I have chosen not to edit it too much as I think it may help others (and myself) understand how my thought processes work.
Anyway, to get to the initial point of this post, I have the following (somewhat generic in some cases) goals for this coming year:
- Get fitter
- Lose weight (and keep it off this time)
- Expand my skill set especially into Android dev to the point where I finally release an app
- Reduce my mood swings and improve my general mental health to the point where I and others feel comfortable (I have to accept I will never be “fixed”)
- Try and open up and reconnect with friends and family I haven’t spoken to for a while. This one may be the hardest for me due to my current issues
Like I said, the above list (not in any particular order) is fairly generic but it they are things I have been thinking about for a long time.
I think that is enough for now, so I’ll sign off by wishing everyone reading this a Happy New Year. Take care.
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